Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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