loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
