You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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