Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
