blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
