It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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