at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
