Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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