Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
