Even the bartender felt bad for me
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
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He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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