Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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