Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober