I got chris browned last night
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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