Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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