I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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