that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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