i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My vagina just recognized that song.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
