we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
