forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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