I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
