I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
