Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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