dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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