I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
