Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
