I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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