I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
