She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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