probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
