you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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