After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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