I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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