Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
