I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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