Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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