you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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