I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
