A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
