Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
my poor anus
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
