The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
