Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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