nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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