You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
