I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
