my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize