Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
