I puked a lego.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
