I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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