i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
