Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
