Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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