We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
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I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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