Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
