he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
