this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Will exercising make me less horny?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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