get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
